The Most Exciting Relationship

When I say this relationship was the bomb, I'm speaking only partly metaphorically.

Two months into my relationship with XXX I started to get bored.

She didn't have any hobbies or interests, so beyond numbly watching reality TV, and the occasional sex, we didn't do much together. She wasn't ugly or anything, but nothing about her particularly stood out either. She was plainly pretty.

I had planned on breaking up with her that week, but that's when she changed everything.

One fateful night she actually suggested that we go out to a bar. It was an OK time. Nothing spectacular happened, but we did end up having lots to drink, so despite my impending boredom, we were all over each other by the time we got home.

We were in the middle of making out when suddenly she stopped. With a big grin she told me to wait. She bounced down the hallway chirping, "I have a surprise for you."

I laid back on the bed expecting a blowjob or something equally as banal. I stared at the ceiling until I heard her walking back singing, "Close your eyes and open your hand."

I figured I'd just go with whatever she put in my hand. How crazy could it be? A dildo or something, maybe?

I felt the bed springs creak under her weight beside me, expecting just about anything. I never expected the cold, heavy weight of a grenade in my hand.

She wrapped my fingers around the metal ovoid and I jolted up, startled. The grenade felt incredibly real, but I couldn't believe it. It must have been some silly joke. I was about to let it go when she clutched my hand and teased, "Nuh, uh, uh. If you let go of that, we'll go boom boom."

I longed for the grenade. The sound of the metal from the pin sliding against the inside.She spoke in sexy baby-talk, which I hated before, but with the adrenaline from holding a live grenade, it was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard.

She planted her lips on mine and groped me all over. All while I held a deadly grenade. We made love for hours with that grenade clutched in my hand. Finally, after we both came, she slid the pin back in.

From that moment on I was hooked.

The rest of our relationship was pure electricity. At first we reserved the grenade exclusively for weekends, but soon it was every day of the week. It got to the point where whenever we'd see each other she'd make me hold the grenade, even if we weren't having sex. Sometimes she would make me wait on the grenade, never knowing when or if it would ever come. The waiting was the part that really got me. I longed for the grenade. The sound of the metal from the pin sliding against the inside.

Beyond that she was still no more interesting than before, and she got pretty nasty and naggy, but that grenade made us exciting, and spontaneous. A force to be reckoned with. I could have been with her forever.

We started discussing me holding the grenade even when I wasn't with her, but I told her I wasn't ready for that, even if I kind of wanted it.

The main crux of our relationship may have been surface level, and dangerous, but some people don't even have anything good in their relationship. All they have is the bad stuff, so what's so wrong with ours?

We've found something that works for us. Maybe your relationship is about sharing the same hobbies or values, or making each other laugh, but for us it's explosives.

What could be so wrong with that?

*  *  *

If you're reading this, it's because the grenade accidentally blew up and killed me.

It also killed Jenn.

I'm so sorry to leave my family and friends in this way, but please know I died in the most amazing relationship I've ever known, though ultimately I would not recommend this.

Goodbye dear friends.

       Blunt Run-In With Your Ex

Romil and Prachita accidentally bump into each other at the mall after they both experienced an awful breaking up with each other. They based their relationship on love, kindness and honesty. They're still honest, but now they're no longer loving or kind to each other. Here's their conversation:

Romil: Hey Prachita, funny to run into you at the mall.

Prachita: Yep. Needed to buy some stuff. How've you been?

Romil: Not bad. I still fucking hate you. And yourself. What have you been doing?

Prachita: A lot more anal.

Romil: Really. Finally stepping it up. I wondered if you were ever going to put some "life" into your sex life. So anal huh?

Prachita: With black guys.

Romil: Ouch. If it makes you feel any better, I started jacking off to more Latin porn. I almost never masturbate while thinking of you. Except, you know, for Tuesdays. Our old date night. Before you fucking dumped me.

Prachita: For crying out loud. You're still upset about that?

"I rubbed my balls all over the box of your crap that I mailed to you after you dumped me."Romil: Well, I haven't poisoned your cat yet. But I've thought about it. A lot.

Prachita: Can you just get over it already? I was never really that happy with you.

Romil: I know. I must be a hard person to love since I bought you everything.

Prachita: You never bought tampons for me.

Romil: That's because I don't want to think about you like that. I never asked you to buy hemorrhoid cream for me.

Prachita: You never asked.

Romil: Because I was embarrassed and I didn't want you to know I bled from the ass.

Prachita: Like I didn't know.

Romil: You knew?

Prachita: Duh. I saw you naked probably more than you did. Why should you feel so embarrassed about you bleeding rectum? Or my temporary blood flow for that matter?

Romil: I don't feel the need to tell you everything.

Prachita: I always knew you kept things from me.

Romil: Holy shit! You're still a fucking bitch!

Prachita: And you're still a whiny pussy.

Romil: Oh yeah? I rubbed my balls all over the box of your crap that I mailed to you after you dumped me.

Prachita: That's nice. I didn't even open it. I just threw it away.

Romil: God damn it! Could you just let me take pleasure in disgusting you?

Prachita: I lived, slept, and sexed with you. You can't disgust me. Except for this victim act you're pulling.

Romil: So, do you wanna make out?

Prachita: Nah. I'm seriously just into interracial anal.

Romil: I'll put on blackface if you wear a sombrero.

                                        Drama

There's a noise outside my house. Why would someone be outside? It's well past midnight.

Oh no...

Is someone breaking in? Is this what it feels like?

I should put some clothes on. This is terrifying. I hear voices. What do I have in here? How do I protect myself? There's a candle. I'll use that.

What am I thinking? A candle? There's a bat outside. Would I hit a man with a bat? Can I do that? Is that inside me?

I should have bought a gun.

I should have been a gun guy. I should have become a gunsmith. I could have made hundreds of them and kept them all over my house. Why did I become an accountant? I should have made guns. This is not what I thought people meant by life flashing before your eyes. I was hoping for something more exciting, but all I have is regret for getting a decent job that pays all my bills. Why must the world be so cruel?

I should look out the window. What if they're looking up? What do I do? Do I wave? No, idiot. Why would you do that? They don't want to say hello. They want to murder and eat you and steal your baseball cards. Those things are worth a lot of money.

I'm going to look out in 3... 2...

5... 4... 3... 2...

1

Okay, two shadows. They're awfully close to each other. It may be one really big guy, but I don't think so. His body would be moving in a very strange way if that was the case.

They seem to be swaying. I hear laughter and voices. They're laughing at me! It's humiliating. Maybe they can sense my fear. Maybe they can sense all my fears, not just this one. Maybe they know I bought this weight set but I'm too afraid of dropping the dumbbells on my feet. Maybe they know I'm afraid I'll never get married. They can see into my soul.

I need to do something about this. Where's that bat? I can do this. I don't need to really hit them. I can just scare them. I'll go out and scare them.

Okay. Here we go...

Wait.

I'll go out the back and catch them by surprise.

Here we go. 3... 2... 1...

"AHHHHHHHHH GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!"

Adrenaline is running through my veins. My heart is beating so fast. This is exhilarating.

This is exciting. This is... shocking.

"We're sorry, young man!" a frightened elderly woman says.

"What the... what are you doing in my yard??" I'm so confused.

"We just needed to spice up our marriage. We wanted to feel young again."

The man, relatively the same age as my grandpa, walked closer to the woman, wrapping his arm around her.

"So you break into my house?"

"What?" They seem confused while they ask this together.

"You were gonna break into my house and kill me to spice up your marriage."

They start laughing. Why are they laughing? I don't understand.

"We're not going to kill you, sir!" grandpa says after they catch their collective breath.

"Then why are you here?" I'm so confused.

"We were just making out like we did when we were in high school! It felt great to be young again."

Silence.

Long, uncomfortable silence.

"I wish you were here to kill me. Goodnight."

                                  WHAT IS LIFE

You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.

 मां अब भी यही समझती है
मैं अंगुली पकड़कर स्कूल जाता हुआ बच्चा हूं
मां को नहीं दिखते मेरी कनपटी के सफेद बाल
चेहरे पर बढ़ते हुए सल
जब भी आता है गांव से मां का पत्र
हिदायतों की बरसात कर जाता है
मैं तरबतर हो जाता हूं 
नासपीटा बड़ा होकर कौन देस जाकर रहेगा अपनी जैसी जोरू के साथ
तिरालीस की उमर में अपने हाथ से बेली-सिकी रोटी खाते हुए
चट्टी अंगुली को अपनी ओर देख पांच सौ मील दूर गांव में
मां के अंतिम स्थान को याद करते हुए आंसुओं से भीग जाता हूं
भरी बरसात में पिता के दिए घर में निपट अकेला.

खुश रहने के सूत्र

                                               खुश रहने के सूत्र 

आप खुश होना चाहते हैं. मगर कैसे? आपके 'कैसे' का उत्तर मैं दिए देता हूं. ऐसा सूत्र देता हूं कि मन प्रसन्न और आप सन्न रह जाएंगे. आपको खुश रहने के लिए ज्यादा कुछ नहीं करना है. बस अपने सोचने के कोण को थोड़ा दायें-बायें, ऊपर-नीचे कर लें. सिंपल है! 

मान लीजिए-आपकी बत्ती गुल हो गई...जी, कहने का मतलब था आपके घर की. आप खीझते क्यों है? आप यह सोचिए कि बिजली के जाने से बिजली का बिल कम हो गया. आप कुछ आध्यात्मिक टाइप भी सोच सकते हैं कि चलो आज अंधेरे में स्वयं से साक्षात्कार किया जाए. इस तरह से न जाने कितने तरीके से सोच कर आप बार-बार बिजली जाने से पैदा होने वाली झुंझलाहट से बच सकते हैं.

कुछ और उदाहरण पेश हैं, 

अगर सरकारी नौकरी नहीं मिली तो आप सोचिए कि आप जाहिल नहीं हैं. अगर नौकरी प्राइवेट कर रहे हैं तो सोचिए कि आप बेरोजगार नहीं हैं. अगर आप बेरोजगार हैं तो  सोचिए कि बेकार बैठने  से बच गए. अगर बेकार बैठे हैं तो सोचिए कि आप भूखे मरने से बच गए. अगर आप भूखे मर रहे हैं तो.... तो सोचिए कि आप अकेले नहीं मर रहे इस देश में.
पेट्रोल के दाम बढे़, तो सोचिए कि डीजल के नहीं बढ़े. अगर डीजल के दाम बढ़ जाएं तो सोचिए कि सीएनजी के नहीं बढे़. अगर उसका भी बढ़ जाए तो सोचिए कि साइकिल के दाम तो नहीं बढे़ हैं. अगर साइकिल के दाम बढ़ गए तो सोचिए कि पैदल चलना स्वास्थ्य के लिए लाभदायक होता है.

बाबू न सुने, तो सोचिए कि ऊंचा सुनता है. अधिकारी न सुने, तो सोचिए कि बहरा है. सरकार न सुने, तो सोचिए उसके कान ही नहीं. नहीं तो आप यह भी सोच सकते हैं कि आपकी आवाज में दम नहीं.  कहने का मतलब यह है कि जिस सोच से या जैसे सोचने से आप खुश हों, वही सोचिए.

अब जो उदाहरण आपके सामने रखने जा रहा हूं, हो सकता है आपको पंसद न आए. यह भी हो सकता है कि आपको तो बहुत पसंद आए, मगर आपकी धर्मपत्नी को कतई पसंद न आए.

 रोटी बनाते वक्त अगर श्रीमती की उंगलियां जल जाए, तो आप यह सोच कर खुश हो सकते हैं कि चलो सिलेंडर नहीं फटा.

 मित्रो! अपने सोचने के कोण को थोड़ा यहां-वहां खिसकाने का मतलब आप बखूबी समझ गए होंगे. यानी खुश रहना है, तो खुशफहमियां पालें. गलतफहमियों का सहारा लेना छोडें.  हर हाल में अपने को बहलाइए जितना बहला सकते हैं. बुरा मत मानिएगा, वर्षों से आप यही तो कर रहे हैं. 

हमें भी जीने दो

                              
                                                      हमें भी जीने दो

 नाले के ऊपर मंडराता मच्छरों का झुंड. मंडराते हुए झुंड में तैरती उनकी आवाजें. तैरती आवाजों में कुछ आक्रोश के स्वर तो कुछ स्वर लाचारी के भी- ‘ऐसे कैसे चलेगा?’ ‘हमारी गर्भवती स्त्रियों का असमय ही गर्भपात हो जा रहा है, पोषण की कमी से.’ ‘पोषण! अरे एक वक्त ही पेट भर जाए तो गनीमत समझो!’ ‘हम दवाई-सवाई की प्रतिरोधक क्षमता विकसित कर लेते हैं, मगर इस महामारी का क्या करें!’ ‘पहले हम हवा में उड़ते थे, अब हवा हमें उड़ा रही है.’ ‘सबके चेहरे पीले दिखते हैं.’ ‘हम सबमें खून की कमी हो गई है...’ ‘सृष्टि बनाने वाले ने भी कभी न सोचा होगा कि खून चूसने वाले मच्छरों के अंदर ही खून की कमी हो जाएगी.’ ‘कुछ तो करना ही होगा, भाइयों!’ ‘हर गली, हर नुक्कड़, हर मोहल्ले के अपने मच्छर भाइयों को बुलाइए’ ‘क्यों!’ ‘सारे एक जगह एकत्रित हो जाएं.’ ‘हम कूच करेंगे.’ ‘मगर कहां!’ ‘दिल्ली और कहां!’ ‘मगर हम दिल्ली जाकर करेंगे क्या?’ ‘चच्चा, आप तो हममें सबसे बुजुर्ग हैं, आप ही इसे समझाइए न!’ ‘बेटा, समझा तो दें, मगर तुम्हारी बात मैं खुद नहीं समझा हूं.’ ‘क्या चच्चा! इतने अनुभवी होकर भी आप ऐसी बात करते हैं! सारी बात मैं आपको रास्ते में समझा दूंगा.’ ‘ठीक है, शहर के सारे भाइयों तक यह संदेश पहुंच जाए कि कल यहां नाले पर सब आ जाएं.’

अगले दिन शहर के कोने-कोने से मच्छर नाले पर इकट्ठे हो गए. जितने मच्छरों की आमद की उम्मीद थी, उससे बहुत कम आए. कारण, कई तो भगवान को प्यारे हो गए और कई इतने अशक्त थे कि वे बेचारे यहां तक आ न सके. मच्छरों की महासभा हुई. महासभा में ‘दिल्ली चलो’ के प्रस्ताव को मंजूरी मिल गई. महासभा में एक-एक कर हृष्ट-पुष्ट मच्छरों को छांटा गया, ताकि वे दिल्ली तक की यात्रा कर सकें. हालांकि संख्या की दृष्टि से वे मुट्ठी भर थे.

...तो मच्छरों के प्रतिनिधियों का यह दल दिल्ली की ओर रवाना हो गया. इस समय दल वित्तमंत्री के बंगले के सामने है. वित्तमंत्री के बंगले के सामने पहुंचते ही...‘सत्ताधारी होश में आओ! होश में आओ!’ ‘हम सबको इतना मत सताओ!’ ‘मत सताओ!’ ‘मत सताओ!’ ‘दाम बांधो! दाम बांधो!’ ‘महंगाई कम करो!’ ‘कम करो!’ ‘कम करो!’ ‘हमें भी जीने दो!’ ‘जीने दो!’ ‘जीने दो!’ जब सारे मच्छर नारे लगा रहे थे, तभी दो स्थानीय नवजात मच्छर, जो भाई-भाई थे, आपस में बातें करने लगे. इस बात से अनजान कि उन दोनों की बातें दबे पांव उनकी माई भी सुन रही है.

‘ये लोग यहां क्यों आए हैं, भाई!’ ‘महंगाई कम करने के लिए शायद...’ ‘महंगाई... महंगाई रोकने की बात क्यों कर रहे हैं! ये भूल गए हैं क्या कि ये सब मच्छर हैं, कोई आम आदमी नहीं...’ ‘यही तो मैं भी नहीं समझ पा रहा हूं... भाई... भला महंगाई से हम मच्छरों का क्या कनेक्शन!’ तभी दोनों की माई दांत पीसती हुई आवेग में बोली, ‘कनेक्शन!!! बहुत कनेक्शन है!!!’ माई का यह रूप... यह अंदाज-ए-बयां देखकर दोनों सहम गए. माई तो ठहरी माई! अपने बच्चों की छिपी हुई भावनाओं को समझ ही लेती है. दोनों के सिर पर बड़े लाड़ से हाथ फेरते हुए माई बोली, ‘तुम दोनों अभी यही सोच रहे हो न कि महंगाई का हम मच्छरों से क्या कनेक्शन है?’ दोनों बच्चों ने अपने सिर सहमति से हिला दिए. माई बोली, ‘बेटा! हम दोनों ही आम आदमी का खून चूसते हैं...’  फिर रुक कर बोली, ‘अगर महंगाई ही आम आदमी का सब खून चूस लेगी, तो हम क्या चूसेंगे!’

 उधर वित्तमंत्री आवास के सामने महंगाई को लेकर धरना-प्रदर्शन चल रहा है. गगनभेदी नारे लग रहे हैं. पता नहीं, वित्तमंत्री को वे सुनाई देंगे या वे इसे मच्छरों की पिनपिनाहट मात्र ही समझेंगे. कह नहीं सकते...